In every lunch room on every floor of our buildings is a cork board with things attached. They have the mandatory state and federal announcements on them about minimum wage and your rights. While they are probably the reason the board is there, it is all the other fun stuff that makes the board worth reading. Around the edges are the cards from friends and relatives of employees which are offering services. Some are the standard real estate and Mary Kay other are the pots and pans, knives and the occasional crafter who sells jams or sweaters. In the middle are houses and cars for sale, roommates needed and the coupons for local restaurants and fast food which give discounts. On top of all the others are the flyers for events, most of which happened months ago but no one has taken the down. I go into the lunch room to get coffee, and I drink a lot of coffee so while I wait for the cup to brew I have created a few games I play with items on the board. The first one is, find the oldest flyer. Read all the dates and figure out which one is the oldest, I will then keep an eye on it to see how long it will stay there. I could actually take them down, but what would the fun in that be? Second is to connect the card with the employee. Do they have the same last name as someone you know? Do they look like someone in the office? Many of the cards remain a mystery but some are a dead give away. The easiest are the ones that tell you to see someone in the office. I worked one place where a lady had an envelope taped to the outside of her cube for people to drop Mary Kay orders in. the last game is to rearrange the cards in some kind of order, phone number, address, all males or females. This one is a little more OCD but it does kill the time while I wait for the coffee to be done.
I don’t know why but I decided to look up the best state fairs to visit. The article I clicked on listed the top seven by attendance and gave some things to see and eating tips for each one of them. California’s was the beer garden and tryouts for Wheel of Fortune. Texas was, of course, barbecue and deep-fried Nutella. The best thou was Ohio, who have a best facial hair competition for both men and woman and since 1903 life-size butter sculptures. Yes, you heard it right you can go to the Ohio state fair and see scenes of Ohio life carved out of butter, what could be more attractive than a carving of a girl milking a cow, out of butter! I don’t know about you but I am booking my flight and hotel right now for this year’s fair! I am kidding but I do love this stuff, the largest ball of twine the Cadillac ranch and all of the weirdness that is American and especially related to fairs and carnivals is just up my ally. I grew up in cities, lots of people, no farm animals, Starbucks on every corner, but somehow since I moved to the country I now find myself loving this stuff. Watching the llama competition is still a little on the dull side but some of the animal judgings are kind of fun. I haven’t gone all cowboy hat and boots but I would have to say that it looks like, after all these years of being a city boy, I finally have a little country running in my veins.
I don’t hate going shopping like some men. I can’t say a am a huge fan of shopping with my wife since she, like other women, likes to look things over and spend quality time in the decision process. I am a man who goes straight to the first pile finds something in my size and is in line to check out before the car engine cools. This weekend thou I realized there are things that we buy that I never really feel good about after the purchase. It isn’t that I don’t like the product, it is that I always feel that somehow I was taken advantage of in the purchase process. Buying a car is an obvious one, but because I expect it I go in with an attitude and I make sure that the salesman has lost a pound of flesh dealing with me. No the two I am thinking of are more subtle, they are tires and eye glasses. With tires, they always give me the line about safety and how some other guys car got ruined because he only bought one tire or just the two. Especially if it is my wife’s car they talk me into something I will feel stupid about for as long as the tires last, or till the next time we get a nail in one of them. With eyeglasses whatever my insurance does cover, I am not sure it would put glasses on a pig. Then the lady has me try on different frames which range in price from Gold bullion to rare earth metals. Then I have to get the upgraded glass because the rare metal won’t hold the coke bottle glass, and of course, I want the scratch resistant coating. Are they making these things up on the space station because it will take two weeks for these custom beauties to be ready and half of my checkbook to pay for the uncovered parts. Just once I would like to see what a pair looks like that my insurance does cover? it is probably just a monical, like the monopoly dude wears.
I am in a lot of meetings. We love them where I work. While most of them are worthwhile there are those you wish never happened. Everyone says they follow the Meyer’s rules of order, but I have to admit we don’t do what they say. I just glanced through them and I think I would like to suggest a few new ones that I think everyone could get behind. First, what if everyone in the meeting was handed a flag as they entered and if the meeting was completely useless they could throw the flag and call a meeting foul. if the majority agreed the meeting would end. How about if you are going to walk in late and make us restate what was already said that you would have to compensate the others in the meeting for time lost, maybe that would be too much. How about you have to bring snacks if you are late. Another should be if you didn’t call the meeting you don’t get to take it over or talk the most. Now if they ask you to talk that much ok, but if you do it just because you can’t keep your mouth closed there is some sort of penalty. Along the lines of penalty, all seats in meeting rooms should have an electric plate in the seat and everyone should have a button that allows them to choose a seat to get a shock. If a majority of the room hit the button for your seat you get a jolt. That would make all of us, myself included, think twice before commenting or babbling on. It would also help in the case of the meeting sleepers, who come to the meeting and contribute nothing to whatever task you are trying to accomplish.
You and I both know there are things we do that we are not proud of. Especially if you work in a large building or around others, you have to kind of sneak in those things that are normal but you just don’t want anyone else to know you just did. I am not talking horrible things just those things you would rather others not know was you. Here is a couple of them.
1. Gassing up an empty elevator; You get on the elevator, you have a few floors to go up, no one else is there so you let one go. The hope is that when you reach your floor no one is waiting to get on the elevator. If someone is waiting you hope they don’t know who you are. Make sure when you get off you look down and act busy so you can make a clean getaway. If it is a friend just say your welcome as you walk by, they will understand after the door closes.
2. Cooking stinky food in the microwave; It was a good meal last night and the thought of enjoying the leftovers the next day is one of the things we love about leftovers, but if they are fish or some traditional dish from an exotic land a few people are not going to like the smell. Whoever designed the air conditioning vents to take the air from the lunch room and redistribute it all over the building had a sick sense of humor. Just know there will be people hunting down the smell just to let you know how unhappy they are about your lunch. The best thing to do is eat fast and then throw your trash away in someone else’s trash can. That way the smell police will get on them not you.
It seems that several times a year the stars all align to where our weekend becomes a marathon of events. This weekend was one of those, graduations, birthday party, and a wedding with the events kicking off Friday night and not ending till we got home a 10pm Sunday night! In the middle of that, I was also trying to sell my trailer on craigslist, see Fridays post, and had people coming by the house to see it. When we have one of these weekends it is always stressful, someone gets sick, there are at least a fight or two and they are the few weekends of the year where I can’t wait for Monday to come. All the events are fun and you want to be a part of them you just wish they were a little more spread out. Oh well, not much we can do about that other than make it through and rest up for the next one. I should be thankful that none of those events were at our own house, it would have had a week of cleaning proceeding the event and no wants that.
I am trying to sell a trailer on Craigslist. Last night at 9:21 I get a call from someone who asks if they can come see the trailer “right now”. This creeps me out a little so I say no it is too late. He then tries to convince to come see it saying he has cash and he will buy it right now, more creeped out. I say I can’t but maybe in the morning, he says he is looking at multiples tonight and can’t do it the next day, so I say ok and end the call. This morning at 6:35am I get this text “can I come see it now?” now I am more than a bit worried. By the time he sends the last text this morning asking if I want to sell my trailer or not, I just texted back that I am leery and this seems like a scam, then I block his number from my phone. Maybe it was legit, but I heard a comedian say that on every craigslist sale both the buyer and seller think they are going to get killed. If I don’t sell the trailer it is my own fault, but at least I will still be alive.
I am squeamish when it comes to seeing blood and guts. I am not the person who likes to go to horror movies or see horrific pictures of accidents. Some, probably like a doctor can look at stuff like that and just examine it without getting the willies, I get the shakes and then have to look away. I feel like it is happening to me when I see those pictures. I feel like I am empathizing with the injury to the point of having to look away. It wasn’t that way when I had my own horrific open wound when I was fifteen. My appendix ruptured and they left my stomach open and stuffed it with gauze. Three times a day I had to take all that out and clean the opening with peroxide then pack it up and cover it with tape until it healed up. I did this with no issues or feeling of getting sick, yet when I see it happen to others my stomach wants to leap out of my body. Friends who have been in combat just shrug and say they have seen worse, followed by asking where we are going for lunch. Me, I think I have sworn off lunch for the day. Good thing I didn’t want to be a doctor or medic as a kid, I would have never made it.
I can not believe it is already May! What happened to the first four months of this year. I swear my kids just went back to college only a few weeks ago. Now they will all be home next week. I know that time is a matter of perspective, being older my scale of time has expanded. When I was in elementary school summer seemed to last forever, now I blink and it is snowing again. I have so many things I need to get done over the next few months but it seems like it will be impossible unless I take the next two months off from work. Knowing that all that time off is not going to happen, I guess I better prioritize my to-do list. First, of course, is avoid working too hard. That seems impossible considering the rest of the list, chopping down trees rebuilding a bathroom, redoing the sprinklers, fixing up the new jeep. My only consolation is I don’t have to paint the house. I hate painting. I would rather dig a giant ditch or clean toilets than paint. I don’t know why I hate painting so much, perhaps it is all the tedious prep that has to happen, or that you have to be careful not to get it on the things you don’t want to be painted. I think my personality is more shotgun than a sniper. I have never got in trouble for getting dirt from my ditch on the other dirt in my yard. Whatever my quirks I still got to get it all done, so goodbye restful weekend, hello manual labor!
From the files of, you have got to be kidding comes today’s story. A gentleman, and I use the term loosely, in Los Angeles died because he tried to gold plate his private parts! I am not joking, apparently he stole a gold plating machine and for his 21st birthday tried to bling his thing!
The best part is in the story is that the doctor they interview says this is the third case they have seen of this, this year! His statement, Gold plating one’s own genitals is “a medical impossibility” and should not be attempted, warns Dr. Ian Joseffson. Sorry, but I laughed uncontrollably for a few minutes as I envisioned this guy trying to complete his birthday “gift” to himself. I can not believe that this has even been attempted, but even more, I wonder about the thought process which brings you to the conclusion that this is something you should do? Just knowing a little about the plating process, I am aware it included electricity and heat, both things I was trained as a kid to keep away from. I will also assume that the side of the plating machine had at least warning pictures if not full statements about the danger of using the machine. All of which were ignored, but I am sure that will not stop someone from suing the company for not stating what is obvious to the rest of us.
here is the link for your enjoyment: http://now88news.com/2016/03/30/ms-13-gang-member-died-trying-gold-plate-genitals/